How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
