Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
