Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
