i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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