Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
