Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
