I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
