but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
