I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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