god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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