he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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