someone threw a dead crab at me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
