I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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