I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
