i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
