So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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