Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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