he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
