So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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