Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
