Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
