whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
