New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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