For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
