Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
