Ketchup is God's man juice
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
