I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
