Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
