Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
