Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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