When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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