I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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