I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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