god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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