....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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