No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
