i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
