Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
