it hurts more in the daytime
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
