Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
