She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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