i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I came so hard my ears popped.
there is puke in my bra ... again
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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