Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
