I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
