Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
