Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
