why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
