Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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