I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
