??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize