i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
