i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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