Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
