I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
