Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
