this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
