I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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