I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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