wat bout pragnant strippers??
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
