i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize