I'm so fucking centered right now
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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