nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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