It's like God shit irony all over that family
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
