Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
