i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
