All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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