I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
