On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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