This is not my ceiling
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
