so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
