I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
