i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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