I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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