It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
